The Girl He Chose
by MissDevon
Summary: After getting out of the secrect room, Natalie's pressured by the family to lie about Jessica's misdeeds and runs off. When found and confronted by Clint and Bo she lets loose about just how she truly feels about her father and Jess.
1. Chapter 1

_**The Girl He Chose**_

_**Every so often we long to steal,  
to the land of what might have been,  
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel  
when reality sets back in  
Blythe smile, lithe limb  
she who's winsome,  
she wins him,  
gold hair with a gentle curl,  
that's the girl he chose  
and heaven knows,  
I'm not that girl  
don't wish, don't start  
wishing only wounds the heart,  
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl,  
there's a girl I know,  
he loves her so,  
I'm not that girl. **_

As she ran into the night she could feel their eyes boring into her.  
Their unvoiced pleas.

She had suffered at her twin's hands, but she wasn't supposed to blame her.  
No, Jessica was sick.  
She wasn't in control.  
She had to suck it up and forget all she had seen.  
All she had heard.

Only she couldn't.  
She wouldn't.

She had made a promise to herself that if she got out of that room she wouldn't be put in this position.  
That she would make them see the truth.  
But she had failed.  
Even Jared had sided with her family against her.

He had suffered in that room with her because he was a damned fool.  
He had gotten them locked in. . . Well, she couldn't entirely blame him, she had after all hurt her ankle, but John sure as hell wouldn't have come to get her out without letting someone besides Tina know what was going on. . .

Not that John wasn't on her list too.

He hadn't believed Jared when he told him she was in trouble.  
Had been too busy alternately screwing Blair and searching for his new true love, Marty. A part of her couldn't help but hope that Todd had enough of a head start to disappear with the insipid twit and start a new life with her, although she knew that John wouldn't give up on trying to find them. That would be his new demon she was sure, and if it kept the man out of her life she was well rid of him.

Crossing back over the land separating the house from the main road, she made a sudden detour. One place on her mind.

Suddenly, she felt herself running.

She ignored the concerned calls as she had for the last hour, only to run into her father's chest.

Exhaling sharply at the impact, she looked up into his eyes and fought the urge to roll her own as she pulled away from him and blew the hair out of her eyes. "Of all the selfish, unthinking things. . . do you have any idea how worried we've been, Natalie? Of the time we spent looking for you. And don't try to deny hearing us calling. Even you couldn't be that deaf!" he ranted.

Glaring at the man Natalie shook her head: "surprised you noticed I was gone. Wasn't like you did during the months your daughter had me locked in the basement. Oh, wait, you did, only you bought every single one of the lies that spilled from Tess's mouth because you were so ready to believe the worse in me that you couldn't even see that you weren't talking to Jess. Not even when Tina was trying to hit you over the head with a sledgehammer of a clue!" she shot back angrily as she pivoted and went to move around him.

Angry, Clint shot out a hand and grabbed his daughter: "you don't know. . ."

"She made me watch everything Clint. I'm sure Bo's finding the cameras now, if he hasn't already. But that and all the tapes and her threatening Tina with impending death and threatening to harm Sarah and make it look like Carlo Hesser did it doesn't matter does it?" she demanded as she pulled away. "I'm supposed to smile and say its ok and make nice. Let you or Mom take Bre in and go on with my life as if none of this ever happened."

"She's sick, Natalie," Clint sighed in exasperation.

"She also tried to kill me two times, one of which almost killed MOM! I mean, I know you don't give a damn about me, but _Mom_? Oh, wait you have Nora and Dallas at the mansion, so I guess she doesn't count either."

"Natalie, that's enough," Bo said as he approached from out of the shadows.

Turning to look at her once beloved uncle in anger she shook her head: "I don't think it's nearly enough. Hell, I haven't even started! But hey, at least you and Mom bought a clue and you two were barely around her!"

Clint shook his head: "Clearly Jessica is not the only one who we'll be needing to set up an appointment for. . ." he muttered.

"Oh, no. You didn't just go _there,_" Natalie accused as she whirled back at her father and Bo shook his head. "You didn't give a damn about me getting help or having someone to talk to after all the times I was kidnapped, hell, you couldn't even be bothered to hop on a plane from London or make a phone call. . . not to me anyway.  
I mean, don't you remember how we met? It was because I called you about Jessica. Always about Jessica . . .  
Oh, you tried to play it off. Used the Buchanan charm to make me think I stood a chance with you. At having some kinda place in your life. Your heart. . . but I never did did I?" she asked bitterly, glad that the darkness hid her tears. "Jessica was and would always be your daughter.  
She's the one you raised.  
The one you chose over and over again.  
_Over me over and over again. . .  
_Even now.  
Now when she's proven herself to be just as sick and twisted as her REAL father," Natalie spit out hatefully.

"I. Am. Her. Real. Father," Clint responded coldly, not giving any of her other words any credence or thought.

Swallowing, Natalie laughed almost hysterically as she swiped at her tears: "and why am I not surprised that that's the part of the tirade you latched onto?" she asked him.

"Natalie, honey. . . No one's denying that you've been through a lot," Bo started.

"Stay out of this Bo," Clint started. "Because she's the reason that. . ."

"That what? Jessica is Tess again? That Nash is dead? That BE went to Dorian?" Natalie listed. "Wrong on all counts. Ask Jess the real story behind Jared coming to town. Ask her when she reenters reality about how Tess had a wham bam thank you ma'am with him then framed him for theft. How that was why he came to town. Ask her about how she and Nash threw us together."

"I'm not letting you ruin your sister's name."

"Like she has mine?" Natalie wondered. "Newsflash, Clint, I was the good sister this time around. I had her back while she was turning the knife in mine.  
And if you're not careful I'll make sure everyone knows the truth.  
I'll spill to the press how Nash had her committed even when he _knew_ she was faking being Tess to get to Jared," she reminded her father. "Forgot about that one, huh?  
Makes getting her off on the kidnapping and attemptedmurder of your REAL daughter a little harder doesn't it?"

"You're not. . ." Clint started without thinking.

"Your real daughter?" Natalie challenged. "Tell me something I haven't figured out a long time ago."

"Natalie, don't do or say something you'll regret," Bo put in coming up to his niece and putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Like I haven't already?" she asked as she pulled away from him and threw back her hair. "There are other things she's done that you don't know about.  
Sheconvinced me to help her against my better judgement.  
I knew she'd do it alone.  
I went along to try to talk her out of it and when I couldn't to watch her back.  
And it backfired on all of us.  
Gave Jared one more piece of leverage."

"What in damnation are you babbling about?" Clint wondered.

"How the hell do you think Allison got out of St. Ann's. Your precious little Jessica on a quest for the 'family secret.' Probably hoping that she was going to tell her that Mitch somehow her my DNA tests falsified."

"If anyone plotted that it would've been you."

"Right. Because I would let the woman who was responsible for the only real father I've known being killed to walk free," Natalie shot back angrily, taking some semblance of happiness in her father's blanch. "And for clarification, I mean Ben.  
He and Bo have been more father to me than you could ever have hoped to be," she said before turning on her uncle: "only he never would've turned on me like you have. He would've understood. Stood by me. Gave me an understanding ear or shoulder instead of turning me away because I disappointed him one time too many. Or because it was what every one else was doing. Because it was what _Jessica _wanted. Because Ben would've seen that I was hurting too. That I needed someone so that I wouldn't fall back into old habits. Of staying with a guy just because I needed to feel loved. Hell, he would've figured out all of Jared's cons way before you and had him on his ass and out of town before any of this could've gotten this far."

Looking at his brother's sharp look, Bo jumped in with the only thing he could think of over the sting of Natalie's words, after all he had treasured his place as being her favorite uncle for sometime now, to realize that it was only because 1) his younger brother was dead or 2)she thought of said brother as a father when he had started to envision himself as taking on that spot when his older brother hadn't stepped up to the plate hurt: "Honey, your sister is sick. She needs help."

"And a trip to St. Ann's is going to do that? Really helped the last time. Hell, it really helped Allison too," Natalie commented sarcastically.  
"And where was this understanding of someone being sick when it was Lindsey, seems you were all for Nora railroading her for Spencer's murder.  
She saved Blair from being raped, but because it got St. Marty off and made you look like less of a fool you let Nora further her little vendetta.  
I mean, really, do you think that Lindsey really didn't have some sort of breakdown, even she isn't that great of an actress, Bo.  
Hell, even Jess slipped up.  
When Nash was alive and when she had us locked up down there.  
Oh, I know," Natalie said slapping her hand against her head: "she was trying to take back control and I just don't know enough about DID to understand that.  
To understand that it was JESSICA telling me how she was going to make sure I paid for taking everything away from her.  
But she was wrong, wasn't she.  
She still has what I always longed for," she finished tiredly looking back at Clint. "She's the girl that'll you and everyone else will always choose. . . Me, well. . ." she shook her head and squared her shoulders. "I won't lie for you or her.  
I won't let you get away with pushing this whole thing under the rug.  
You try and I'll make sure the world knows about Nora's deal with Dorian. How she let her walk so you could have BE back.  
I'll make sure they know how you put the whole Ray thing in motion.  
How she tried to cover up for Marty but railroaded Lindsey.  
I will become that worse nightmare you've all been dreading since the day you found out the truth about me.

I AM A BUCHANAN.  
The **real BUCHANAN,"** she said forcefully. "Grandpa said that from the first minute he met me and its time I started acting like it.

I'm not changing my statement, and I'm sure as hell am not giving it to some police officer that Nora or Bo chooses. I'm giving it to an FBI agent, in DC, where I'm going with Bre, per the paperwork that Jessica and _Nash_ had drawn up.  
It's legal because for all intents and purposes she was in her so called right mind at the time," Natalie finished. "And I won't be coming back here.

So you finally get your wish.

You have one little girl.

The one you chose.

You don't have to lie any more, and by g-d neither do I.  
I'm not that girl.  
I never was," she finished before she stormed off in the direction of the mausoleum to say goodbye to her father before grabbing her niece and getting the hell out of there, leaving her once favored uncle and her biological father staring after her wondering what had just happened and how things had gone so wrong for all of them.

But Clint knew the answer in his heart, if he'd ever admit.  
Natalie had never been the girl he chose.  
Never would be.  
That was his Jessica, and now they would all have to suffer for the fact that he had been unable to truly accept his biological daughter because of the fear that he would be hurting the one he had raised.  
When in truth, by not doing what he had once said he'd tried to he had cheated them all, because Natalie might not be the one he chose, but she was the one that was truly his daughter, even if now it was only in blood. . .

Song Credit: excerpt: "I'm Not That Girl" from _**Wicked**_


	2. You'd Be Surprised

Sorry it took so long for an update, but to be honest I wasn't sure if I was going to. I knew I wanted to add at least a scene where Natalie went to the mausoleum to talk 'with' Ben, but nothing was coming to me, until I went to see Indina Menzel in concert and got pass the writer's block for this chapter and, hopefully, beyond. . .

**You'd Be Surprised**

_You'd be surprised at all that I've become.  
You'd be surprised, I've changed while you've been gone,  
And I learned so much more from you than I could ever say.  
If you were here, I think that you'd stay..._

Natalie pushed open the door to the crypt and entered, still feeling weighed down by the expectations of her family. Slowly she pulled the door partially closed behind her to ward off as much of the night's cold air as she could, but unconsciously in need for an open door behind her.

Inhaling the stale air, she moved slowly across the mausoleum, her eyes unconsciously reading over the names on the various plagues lining the walls; a shiver rolling along her spine at the realization of how close her own name had come to being added to the wall. Her own body to the others entombed here.

Shaking her head, she came to a stop in front of Ben's resting place. Slowly she extended her hand and touched his name, tracing the letters gingerly. "Why was it that when you were here I just couldn't see how much you meant to me? That when everyone around me would turn away you wouldn't? That you were the only one who'd stand by me? Stay by my side no matter what stupid stunt I had pulled. How angry I made Mom. How much I hurt Jess or the others. . ." pausing she swallowed to try to stop the tears and get a hold of herself. "I'd like to think you'd be proud of me.

Maybe even surprised by how much I've changed. . ."

_You'd be surprised how far these arms can reach.  
You'd be surprised there's a promise I can keep.  
Would you believe that I seldom fall to pieces anymore?  
If you were here, you'd like what you saw._

You'd be surprised my life is often sweet.  
You'd be surprised it's you who brings me peace...  
And for some unearthly reason it takes losing you to see,  
If you were here, I'd know just what you'd need.

"You know, I'm wrong. . . I _know_ you'd be proud of me. . . How much I've changed. . ." she said quietly as she swiped at falling tears. "I know what family is now. . . of course I'm still not totally a member of this one, but I realized tonight that that really isn't my fault.

I've accepted that.

Hell, I've even accepted that Clint will never completely accept me. . . not the way you did. Uncle Bo tries to. . .

I love them.

I try to show them. Protect them, but so often it backfires. . ." she admitted as she lowered herself to the cold concrete floor and pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them. "That's how we lost BE. I thought I was doing what was right. . . I screwed that up royally.

Just like when I went along with Jessie's plan to break Allison out of St. Anne's. . ." Natalie admitted as she leaned her head against her knees. "That I know you wouldn't approve of.

That I let you down by going along with her plan. . . but I promised that I'd protect Jess. . . be there for her. . . Twins. . . Best friends. . . Always got each other's back. . . only it was usually just one sided. . . She's the reason I was with Jared. . . well, not the only one. . ." she admitted with a slight laugh: "but if she hadn't of done the things she had I never would have met him. . . and even as furious as I am with John right now, I know that if I didn't have Jared to run to I wouldn't have kept that promise of the last time with John being just that. . .I would've called him on his asinine plan to take down Ramsey, insinuated myself into it, and gotten him to love me again. . .I wouldn't be falling to pieces right now. . .

It takes a lot for me to.  
Even more than it used to.

I'm the strong one, right?" she sighed, as her gaze drifted back to the plaque with his name: "I'd be stronger if you were here, though.  
You wouldn't let me fall apart right now.  
I'd know that I needed to do the right thing, and you wouldn't impose on me what that was. You wouldn't need 'd just listen and then give me advice. . . You were good at that.  
You understood me like no one else did.  
I never told you that, did I?  
Or how much I needed that? You?

I know you knew. Somehow I know that. Or at least I tell myself that you didn't need me to say the words. You just needed me to become a better me. A better person. The girl you saw behind the wall I put up.  
I don't think I ever even got to tell you that I loved you, did I?" she wondered as she put her head down on her knees: "Back then the words weren't easy for me to say.  
I should've said them anyway. You wouldn't have thrown them back in my face or made me feel like you saying them in return was an act of. . . of retropracity. . ."

_You'd be surprised I've loved you all along.  
You'd be surprised I now confess when I am wrong,  
And I see the world around me in a slightly softer shade.  
If you were here, you wouldn't walk away..._...

You'd be surprised if you were here...  
We'd make time for all that's disappeared.  
And I would hold you like I never could.  
You'd be surprised if you were here...  
We'd make it right; there'd be no tears,  
And you'd confide in me and I'd be there.  
I'd be there

"I know, surprising, Natalie Balsom admitting she's wrong.  
But I'm not that girl anymore, Ben.  
In fact I don't think you'd recognize the girl I am today. . .I look the same, but at heart I'm not her. I've been through too much to be. . .I loved and buried and watched two men I loved come back from the dead. I got over one of them lying to me about not being himself and still haven't gotten over the fact that the other took back his ring.  
You'd be shocked at how I am with Jamie and Bre. . .I mean, who would believe that I would actually be good with kids or thinking about taking on motherhood. . ." turning her head away from the wall and towards the door, she admitted softly: "I thought I was pregnant when Jess was sick. . . I never told anyone about it. . ." she admitted as she turned her head back towards the wall: "It broke my heart when I realized that I wasn't. . . even with how bad things were at the time. . .that John and I weren't together. . .I . . .I wanted that baby. . .  
But the thing is, it wasn't meant to be.

There was no baby.

And I was alone. . .Only now, it won't be my babies I'd be raising. . . It would be Jessica's. . .I know what Mom and Dad want me to do, but . . . I'm afraid for those two little girls. . .I know how they say Jess became Tess, but. . .I don't think she. . . she had some sort of break, but DID. . . you know I did the research. . .It's not likely that two family members have it, never mind three," she admitted. "I know. , , I know. . . I'm supposed to jump on the bandwagon, quote party line that Todd was only pretending to get off of a murder charge. But what if he wasn't? And even if he didn't have it, Mom does. So how is it possible for two people in the same family to have it? For it to have taken the family so long to realize that Jess had it? To not see though her act not once but twice? Can the statistics be that off?" she wondered out loud.

Exhaling, she shook her head. "But that's not what I came here to talk to you about. What I really want to say is that I wish you were here.  
You'd tell me what to do.  
How to fix this mess. . . they blame me for it.

Maybe I blame myself too.

But I know what I have to do. I guess I always knew.

I'm not the girl who fights for affection from people who won't give it to her.

I'm not the girl who maliciously strikes out against people. In fact I probably hold way to much in that I shouldn't.

Dad--- Clint---" she corrected herself, "sure as hell got a taste of the effects of that tonight.  
And Uncle Bo got caught in the crossfire.  
But on the upside, I finally realized something. . . something I should've known all along.  
Told you a long time ago.

You're the first and only real Dad I had.

I'd like to think if you were still here that we'd sit and talk.  
You'd tell me about your day, I'd tell you about mine.  
You'd knock John or Jared into a wall or two at the least, unconscious at the worse, because he hurt me.  
We'd talk.  
I'd be there for you now, the way I should've been strong enough to back then. . ." Natalie admitted as she pushed to her feet. "I wish I had been your little girl, now all I can do is hope that I can make things right.  
Make you proud.  
You're the only one who counts now. . .I know what I have to do and how to do it. . .I ummm probably won't be back here, somehow, I don't think that will surprise you either. . .Probably the only thing I said tonight that wouldn't. . .I did love you, Ben, and you meant more to me than I ever said. . . I'll make you proud.  
Surprise you by the person I can be. . . I'm the person I am now because you believed in me. . . you were the only one who really did. Who didn't just say the words. . .

Thank you for saving Mom.

Thank you even more for saving me.

Loving me.

Being my Dad," she got out in an emotional rush as she brought her fingers to her lips, kissed them, and then, brushing them against the wall, continued: "When someone asks me whose daughter I am, I'll be saying yours from now on," Natalie finished before walking out, confident in her decision now that she talked things over with one of the only people who ever truly accepted her for who and what she was.

_You'd be surprised at all that I've become...  
You'd be surprised._


End file.
